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The Spotted Ass  

She was out, she explained, from Manhattan

Had long wanted to visit the West

“Well, ma’am, mighty glad you could make it,”

He said, pulling his Skoal from his vest


They’d both chanced to sit at Gert’s counter

This chic, couth and cultured young lass

And the old packer, Roy, who said, “I’m from Dubois”

“I’m here to show my spotted ass!”


She patted her lips with her napkin

No words came to mind “appropos

So she sniffed and she coughed, held her eyebrows aloft

And ventured a tentative “Oh?”


“Well, I don’t mean to sound like I’m braggin’,”

He said as he pinched off a chew

“But last year mine won Confirmation

And placed in  Agility, too!”


“’Course, it takes time and trainin’,” he added

“That well-muscled look don’t come free

But for balance and workin’ in tandem

Mine’s the pair, ma’am, that you oughta see.”


“Really!” she managed to sputter

While smoothing her hair into place

Her manicured nails drummed her Gucci—

If only she’d thought to pack Mace!


But just then Gert came by with coffee

And said, “I’ll be right with you, hon

And the New Yorker part of her rallied—

This little exchange was not done!


She inhaled and threw back her shoulders

A street-hardened gleam filled her eyes

And forcing a smile, she leaned toward him

And said in a voice world-wise:


“We’ve clubs in New York for such…hobbies”

“I went once with my friend, Elaine”

“All sizes and shapes pranced before us

In black leather harness and chain”

“We threw dollar bills at our favorites--

Mine being two twins, ‘Chip’ and ‘Dale’--

Not many were what you’d call ‘spotted’

In fact, most were really quite—pale.”


“Albinos!” he gasped, “Weren’t you lucky!”
“I’ve only seen one in my life!”
“A cute little thing that could bray on command—

Belonged to the minister’s wife!”


“She was proud of it, too, let me tell you”
“And, much as her husband allowed,

She showed it at fairs and conventions

And afterward posed for the crowd!


“Why, this is uncanny,” she marveled

“I just read last week in ‘The Post’”

How exposure is up in some Burroughs--

South parts of the Bronx more than most!”


“Oh, they’re popular, all right,” he nodded

“I hear Oprah’s got herself a pair

And last year out on the campaign trail

Our governor kissed his fair share!”


 “I must say,” she replied, “It’s intriguing”

This ‘subculture’ you belong to

And, I hate to admit, but those spots upon yours are, well,

Something I’d quite like to view!”


“Ma’am, I’d be honored,” he answered

“My trailer is parked just outside

What say you and me postpone breakfast

And I show you one well-spotted hide!”


“Why not,” she said after a short pause

“There can’t be much harm in one glance”

“This could be one exciting vacation

And to think poor Elaine went to France !”


And so out the café they headed

And though no one witnessed a thing

Roy left town that day with a shiner

And his prizewinning ass—in a sling!


“Tourists,” he said to his packer friend Ted,

“That’s one bunch it’s best to let be”

“But should you get tangled with one, for gawrsh sake

Don’t breathe a word 'bout your stud fee!”


“Think of ‘em as a coiled rattler--

Don’t be fooled by their manners and class

And when one of ‘em starts in to swingin’ her purse

Duck first, and then cover your ass!

Stephanie Davis